I wonder how my life would have been
If I didn’t go and look between;
Between the stones that scream with life,
Between the lips that plea for me to dive.
Was it meant to be this way?
It seems more likely with every day.
As I learn and grow and seek,
I feel stronger, yet o-so-weak.
I look at the life I lived before
And it’s not enough – I now need more.
Once you feel and know what’s real
To not live it is to steal:
You steal from yourself and from your soul.
How can there be a nobler goal?
It’s not that my life had been bad –
It was great, then, which makes me sad.
Why did I have to find this course?
Why did it sweep me up and make me pause?
I’ve grown so much that it’s not me,
Well, it’s still me, but now I’m free.
I’m free to see life from above,
But I feel like I’m destroying love;
The love I see my mother give,
The love that will fade when I leave.
To cause such sorrow, such painful tears,
To make her cry – my greatest fears.
How can this have been the best for all?
Near and far – a wall, a wall, a wall.
I must choose something I can’t deny,
And leave my family asking “but why?”
I wish they could have understood my heart,
But we have split too far apart.
The soul can’t be understood without being felt,
It’s time to face the cards we’re dealt.
Having understood what it’s all about,
I must take the steps and stop this doubt.
No longer can I sit behind another’s dream,
I’ll build my life with high esteem.
A home at home – amongst our own,
A priceless gift that can’t be elsewhere grown.
A step to sacrifice the comforts near,
To live in war-torn lands without a fear.
The road ahead will be rocky, cloudy too,
Will hurt a lot, make me feel so blue.
I wonder who will help me when I’m down,
Who will be there to stop my frown?
From overseas, it’s too far to know –
Too far to even know I’m low.
So when I am, whose strength will shelter?
Will they even know what makes me better?
Should I even hope for such a man?
I know without him it’s but a plan.
A plan not dared to be fulfilled alone,
Staying unfulfilled in my exquisite soulless home.
4th February 2007